By Laura Htet (UDE)
There is a quote that I have always loved. The first time I read it, it stayed with me for a long time because of its simple but powerful truth:
“If we hurt a child, the child’s love for their parents does not become smaller. It is the child’s love for themselves that becomes smaller.”
At first glance, these words seem surprising. Many of us might assume that when someone is treated badly, they will stop loving the person who hurt them. However, human emotions are often more complicated than that.
From the moment we are born, we naturally have a sense of self-love. It is part of being human. This basic instinct helps us survive. When we are hungry, we look for food. When we are cold, we search for warmth. Every living creature shares this desire to stay alive.
Yet survival is not the same as self-worth.
Learning to value ourselves, appreciate our strengths, and believe that we deserve kindness is something different. Unlike basic survival instincts, self-worth does not develop on its own. It grows through our experiences, our relationships, and the environment around us.
This is why the people in our lives matter so much.
As children, we learn who we are through the way our families treat us. As adults, we continue to discover ourselves through our friendships, workplaces, communities, and relationships. In many ways, our self-image is like a mirror built from the reflections we receive from others.
When people encourage us, support us, and recognize our efforts, we often feel stronger and more confident. On the other hand, when we are constantly criticized, ignored, or undervalued, it becomes much harder to see our own worth. This process affects everyone.
Many of us have areas in life where we feel secure. These strengths help us face challenges with confidence. However, we also have insecurities – parts of ourselves that we secretly worry about.
When someone questions something we are confident about, we can usually handle it. We trust ourselves enough not to be shaken. But when someone touches one of our insecurities, the impact can be very different. We may feel hurt, embarrassed, disappointed, or even ashamed.
Some people might ask why adults allow these comments to affect them. Shouldn’t we already know our value? The reality is more complicated.
Many women are intelligent, kind, and capable, yet after spending years with people who fail to appreciate them, they begin to doubt whether they deserve love and respect.
Many men work hard, support their families, and fulfil their responsibilities, yet after constantly being treated without respect, they begin to lose respect for themselves as well.
The reason is not weakness. The reason is often love. Love has a unique influence on how we see ourselves. We cannot look directly into our own minds and hearts. Instead, we often understand ourselves through the people closest to us.
When we love someone, their opinions carry great weight. Their words can brighten our day or ruin it. Their approval can make us feel valued, while their criticism can leave lasting scars. Even when someone we love hurts us, our feelings for them do not always disappear immediately.
Sometimes we continue loving them long after they have stopped treating us with kindness. What slowly fades instead is our belief in ourselves. This process rarely happens overnight. It can take months, years, or even decades.
Little by little, repeated negative messages can change how we think. A single comment may not matter much, but hearing the same criticism repeatedly can eventually become part of our self-image.
This is why healthy boundaries are so important.
People who grow up learning that they have value are often better able to protect themselves from harmful treatment. They understand that love should not require the loss of self-respect. Unfortunately, many of us are still learning this lesson.
We live in a world where comparison is constant. Every day, social media, advertisements, and social expectations remind us of what we do not have. As a result, many people carry hidden insecurities. Because of this, the influence of our daily environment should never be underestimated.
At the same time, positive influences can be equally powerful. This helps explain why some people with ordinary abilities seem remarkably confident. They may have spent their lives surrounded by encouragement and support. They have learned to see themselves through a healthy and positive window.
Meanwhile, others may be talented, intelligent, and capable, yet struggle with self-doubt. They may have spent years viewing themselves through a much narrower window. The difference is not always ability. Sometimes it is perspective.
This raises an important question. Why do we remain in situations that limit how we see ourselves? One reason is familiarity.
If we have never experienced emotional security, we may not realize that healthier environments exist. The unknown can feel frightening, even when our current situation is painful.
Another reason is love. Sometimes we stay because we care deeply about the people around us. They may be our parents, our friends, our partners, or members of our community. Even when those relationships are difficult, leaving them behind can feel impossible.
As human beings, we often see ourselves through the eyes of the people we love. Because of this, our confidence, self-worth, and sense of identity are influenced not only by who we are but also by the windows through which we choose to view ourselves.
Perhaps this is why self-understanding is one of life’s greatest challenges. Many of us believe that we know ourselves well. In reality, we often know far less than we think. We spend years learning about other people, yet rarely pause to explore our own thoughts, fears, strengths, and dreams.
True self-awareness requires honesty, patience, and courage. It requires us to step away from others’ opinions and ask a simple question: Who are we when no one else is defining us?
The answer may not come quickly. But the search itself is worthwhile.
After all, the most important relationship we will ever have is the one we have with ourselves. And perhaps the brightest window through which we can see our worth is not the judgement of others, but the understanding we develop within our own hearts.
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